By Monica ~
I was raised Christian (Methodist) my entire life. My extended family
is crazy conservative and deep in their faiths, and my immediate
family are all definitely believers, just not as intense. As a kid, I
whole heartedly believed it because that's what I was taught and I
wasn't old enough to have an opinion. It was just like any other
subject. I didn't question reading or math, because I was just a kid,
and I did what I was told. So Christianity was just a way of life for
me, and that was that.
I started going to summer camps the summer after third grade, and
that's probably where I noticed that I was the less than emotional
Christian. Yeah, I believed because I was told to, but even still, I
didn't feel the need to raise my hands up during songs or cry during
the end-of-camp communion service. I tried, really. I wanted to fit
in. But it just wasn't me.
In eighth grade history class, we learned about all kinds of different
cultures and religions, and I just got to thinking... what the heck
makes Christianity any different than other religions? We look at them
thinking "they're going to hell if they don't convert, because we are
the only true way to heaven." Yet they look at us and think the exact
same thing. I kept thinking, why would God pick just us, if we all
basically believe the same thing, just with different guidelines? And
that's where it all really started, and I never, ever felt right about
my "faith" after that.
Around that time, I started really disliking church. My family went to
the traditional service, and it always seemed like everybody was just
going through the motions. Motionlessly sing 5 hymns (yes, we have a
crazy choir director who thinks church is some big production), listen
to the scripture without reading along in the bible, and nod off
during the sermon. The best part of church was going out to lunch
afterward. And this wasn't just me! That's just how my church worked.
There was never anything special to it, and that caused my whole
religious experience to never have anything special.
I'm 20 now and only just now deciding to officially renounce
Christianity. But for 6 years now I've struggled hard with those
questions from eighth grade. I kept going back and forth, wondering if
I was an atheist and I was completely disturbed that I might be. It's
hard to get the basic rules of life that you've been taught your whole
life out of your head, so even if I supposedly didn't believe in God,
part of me always would, and would always think I was going to hell
for not believing. Confusing, isn't it? This is what religion does to
people.
I went to college and found myself a nice, Christian campus ministry
so that I could make friends and connections. Non-denominational, so
they were a little bit liberal. But even still, I didn't like going to
bible study. I loved hanging out, until somebody brought up Jesus. It
just wasn't all there for me, but I did what I had to do to make
friends and have a good college experience. This worked until these so
called Christians stopped talking to me after they all got their own
cars and didn't need me to chauffeur them around. Real good religion,
isn't it? But this is typical of most all the Christians I know.
I realized that I didn't have to be an atheist or a Christian. I can
be my own thing.So anyway, I struggled with this for years until last
spring when my then-boyfriend (who's borderline atheist, but like me,
won't admit it to himself) and I were sitting on the porch talking
about our beliefs and I kind of had a revelation. I realized that I
didn't have to be an atheist or a Christian. I can be my own thing.
That's what Christianity doesn't teach you. They tell you that if you
aren't a Christian, or part of some other sinner religion, you're one
of those evil atheists and you're going to hell. So once I looked at
the religion from an outside view, I realized I didn't have to pick. I
was raised believing in God and that's what I want to do! I don't have
to get emotional about it - hell, I don't even have to worship him,
because I believe that a real, true, loving god wouldn't want you to
worship him. But I still believe he exists and he created the
universe; however, that doesn't mean I have to believe in the bible.
Suddenly, everything felt so right. Like this was what I'd been
feeling my whole life, but I was too afraid to really feel it. But I
don't feel bad. I don't feel like I'm going to hell. Because I really,
truly believe that there is not a hell. I mean, what kind of loving,
merciful god would send his own creation to eternal damnation?? And
after I realized that, all these opinions started flowing. I realized
that I can dislike the bible without being a bad Christian (or should
I say God-believer, since I'm not really a Christian). I can make my
own beliefs!
And that's the thing about religion. Everyone has different opinions.
It comes with being human. So how can you create a couple of religions
and just ask people to pick? There is no way you can satisfy every
type of person, and that's why so many churches don't. There is such a
close-mindedness to Christianity that the churches keep pushing more
and more people away.
I still haven't told my family, though. Even though I'm not an
atheist, they'd still think down upon my not believing in the bible.
The closest I've come to disclosing my beliefs are "I'm kind of a
liberal Christian - I think that as long as you believe in something,
you'll go to heaven." I told my ex-boyfriend, and I told my best
friend, both who feel roughly the same way, maybe even a little more
extreme. But I still go to church when I'm home from school, because
my parents make me. I still do things to help out, like teach at
vacation bible school, because being raised in the church, I still
have good morals and can't say no. And yes, when I go back to school,
I plan on going to the Wesley Foundation to make some new friends. I'm
going to try other clubs, but I need a back up in case I don't
immediately hit it off with people there. And everyone here in the
south is Christian, so it doesn't really matter if I meet them in a
Christian club or a regular one. They'll all be the same. So needless
to say, I'm a closet ex-Christian. But I'm working on it. Chances are
I'll get fed up with the Wesley and just hang out with a few choice
friends. But either way, this is me, attempting to swim out of the
raging whirlpool that is Christianity.
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